revelations and resolutions

Happy New Year!

I don't know about you, but I'm so glad that a new year has started.  The last quarter or so of 2011 and I were not friends.  We fought a lot, and it usually won, leaving me a sad, broken weeping mess.  It made me think sad scary thoughts about the future, brought reunions that weren't necessarily joyful and stress...oh boy the stress.  It violently attempted to leave me on NYE, many hours before 2012 was ready to arrive.  As happy as we both seemed to be to end the relationship, 2011 wasn't going to go out without letting me know how happy it was to be rid of me (or, as it seemed, to rid itself from me {mind you, it's exit was not aided by alcohol - to my blog buddy who we rang the new year in with...that's why I kept disappearing!}).  Needless to say, the end of 2011 and I are like bitter exes, looking forward with hope that something better is just on the horizon.

I'm not so naive to believe that the mere change in the calendar date will mean new and better things.  2012 can be better, but at the same time, it can also be worse...a lot worse even.  While I can't change the things that might happen, what I can do, at the very least, is change my outlook on things.  That's where the revelations come, and the resolutions are made.  So, in an attempt to keep myself accountable, I wanted to share some of my revelations and resolutions for 2012 and beyond as a short series of posts.  So without further adieu:

I am not, will never be, won't ever in a million years come close to being perfect. 

I can't and won't be a perfect wife to my husband just as he will never be that to me.  Our marriage is not perfect.  My life has never been nor will it ever be perfect no matter how much I wish for it.  My resolution: let go.  I wanted so much to try to do everything and have everything turn out right that I would beat myself up for the smallest things.  Like if I didn't cook dinner every night.  Or if I didn't get the right type of screw when I went to the hardware store.  I literally would let small things like that make me feel bad about myself.  I mean, who does that?!  So, this year, after realizing this about myself and all my flaws and imperfections, I am resolving to let go.  I don't need to be a perfect person or wife, my marriage doesn't have to be perfect, nor does my life.  Because as imperfect as it all is, it's still good.  And I'd much rather hold on to good, than try to strive (and fail) for perfect.

What are your thoughts on the never-ending strive for perfection? Does perfect exist? Or is it just a word created to make us want for more than what we have?  What are some of your resolutions?  I'd love to hear your thoughts....oh...and it's good to be back

{cindie}

the 'funk'

Well hell...it's been awhile.

When I first started this blog, my mind was filled with potential posts to write.  I told myself I needed to slow down because I was going to run out of things to say.  Months later and that's become quite apparent.  The truth is, though, that I've not run out of things to say, but more that the things I want to write about I am not ready to do so.  So many of the blogs that I read seem to be so happy and filled with wonderful uplifting things, but my world of late is anything but sunshine, rainbows and unicorns.  Everyone goes through the ever dreaded funk.  Perhaps it's the changing seasons, lack of daylight, stress of work...I can only hope my funk period ends soon.  And the last thing I want to do is write about pretending that everything is ok, and as I said, I'm not ready to write about the things that aren't.  Saying those things out loud is hard enough, writing them where they will forever be out there on the internet is another thing.  I even created a new blog where I thought I could actually write honest posts, but that hasn't gotten very far (and I'm having serious issues with the layout).  Maybe one day, when things are better I can share them and look back at how I got through them and how much they've changed.

I know that there are a number of fellow bloggers out there who experienced or are experiencing a similar period and came through, so I truly hope I will too.  I draw strength from them and reading about their journeys, and hope to one day be able to provide that same strength to others.  I've said that you can't change the things that happen to you, but you can change the way you let them effect you.  I need to start taking my own advice.

To those of you who have hung around, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I'll be here now and again and hope real soon to have some happy thoughts (or at the very least maybe some yummy recipes to share).

{ cindie }

bittersweet anniversary

One year ago I woke up, got prettified, and put on the most expensive and beautiful article of clothing I've owned thus far in my life,

One year ago, I piled into a car with some of the most beautiful and best girls I know and drove up to where a church full of people were waiting,

One year ago, I walked the most exhilarating walk I had walked in my life,

One year ago, in front of friends and loved ones, I married the love of my life,

I walked in a Miss and out a Mrs,

Danced my first dance as a married woman,

 

and realized my new found 'baller' status.

...but today is not only the first anniversary of my marriage, but also the 10th anniversary of the attacks on the US and the day the towers fell.  As much as I remember this day last year, the memory of this day 10 years ago is still burned in my brain as well.  Seeing the fighter jets fly overhead campus on my way to my Cognitive Psych class.  Having my professor walk in to a crowded lecture hall and simply write on the board 'Class Cancelled' and then walk out.  Heading to the flooded computer labs at the campus center whilc CNN.com crashed with the incredible influx of traffic. Going to a nearby friend's dorm to try to get to a tv.  Watching the first tower fall and feeling numb. Watching the second tower fall along with my heart and the tears.  I thought about my father, who used to work there.  I thought about my many friends, who might have loved ones who were there that day.  I thought of my roommate, who would spend the next 7 hours trying to get in touch with her brother, who thankfully was ok.  I thought about how much the skyline I so often saw and took for granted, had forever changed that morning.  And I cried for a week and a half.

I often am asked why we chose this date last year to get married, especially considering how close we are to it all.  It was a difficult decision for me, because Hubster wasn't as close to it as I was (and still am), but it all boiled down to one simple fact: Life must go on.  The horrific events that occurred 10 years ago today will be forever imprinted in our hearts and minds, but now, for us, it will also be the day that we promised our lives to each other.  It's the day we said out loud (tho not really because of the type of ceremony we had) that our love for each other is stronger than the hate that was expressed to make this a historical date.  Admittedly, I'm torn because today is the 1st anniversary of the happiest day of my life so far, but it's also the 10th anniversary of the worst.  But if I am to move on with my life, I will spend the day embracing the 10 year memory, but celebrating the first of many years of marriage to come.  So...

Happy anniversary my love.  It's been an exciting first year and I look forward to the next 100+ and growing old together.

 

btw...I've been absent here lately with my posting...but that's cuz I've moved over to a new site.  Come check me out my new blog.




{ cindie }

thursday pick me up!

Sometimes you have one of those days that makes you want to put your head through a wall.  Today was one of those days...then I found this and while it didn't make the things I want to go away, well, go away, it did manage to make me laugh so hard I snorted.

You know that auto-correct feature on phones?  Well this site captures the best 15 auto-correct fails ever. Read. Laugh. Enjoy.    

#15: Worst Day Of The Week

#14: Special Delivery

#13: That Time Of The Month

#12: Stain Remover

#11: We Need To Talk

#10: iPhone and Relationship Advice Don’t Mix

See the rest of them here.  Numbers 12 and 6 I think are my favorite.

{ cindie }

Confession # 34

I am a water bottle junkie/snob.

Some people collect stamps, some people collect coins.  Apparently I collect water bottles.  The other night as I was putting our glassware away I struggled to find cupboard space because I have a whole shelf dedicated to re-usable water bottles....approximately 7 of them.  It's a problem...

pretty

I actually have this same bottle with a white sleeve...and yes, I want this one too.  

Probably the saddest part is, I typically will just re-use the same SmartWater bottle that I bought from some convenience store on my way to work instead of one of my 7 bottles.  I mean...isn't the point of the re-useable ones to save money and reduce waste?  Counter-intuitive me spends more money on re-useable bottles that don't get used and buys the disposable ones to re-use...I don't get me sometimes.

And then there's the other point...I am a bottled water snob.  I'll drink Poland Spring or Deer Park or some other spring water brand...but I prefer SmartWater...which is isn't even spring water, it's vapor distilled!  Add to the mix that I won't drink filtered water (which hello SmartWater is pretty much the same just fancier terminology), except for at work when I refill my disposable bottle. It's most definitely because of the labeling and the fact that I like the little characters that are on the inside of the bottle.  

via

You can't see but this is the one with the fish

You could probably fill that bottle with hose water and I'd drink it.

So there you have it, I am a water bottle hoarder and a bottled water snob.

Anyone else have quirky collections or bottled water preferences?  I can't be the only one!

{ cindie }

weekend recap

It's been a very busy few days in my little life...

On Wednesday evening, I was sitting in bed at 10pm when I got a text from a friend asking me if I wanted to go to the U2 concert with her in Philadelphia the next night. My response...

*blink blink* 
Huh? On a work night?


Mind you, my spontaneous side flitted out the window when I left my city life years ago.  Now I'm a too tired after work, sitting in bed reading by 10pm, asleep by 11:30 at the latest kinda gal.  Realizing how old and sad that made me sound, when the opportunity arose, after some thought, I went for it.  It was a great time...the ride down was an experience when I became co-navigator but got a phone call from Hubster at the absolute wrong time and we ended up one state further south than where we wanted to be.  Oops!

Friday was none other than Harry Potter Day!  I wasn't a fan from the start...I only recently began reading the books, but I caught the movie bug around the Half Blood Prince - that might very well be the first movie made after I started dating Hubster.  I loved the movie and kinda want to go see it again..oh...and Hubster bought me a replica of Hermoine's wand.  Before that, I was running around the house with a chopstick casting spells.  Go ahead and laugh...I'm letting my geek peek thru :)

Saturday and Sunday were spent hosting parties at our house.  Hubster is turning the big 3-0 tomorrow and we had a friend pool party on Saturday and then a family party Sunday.  Needless to say, I'm tired and partied out.  Aside from seeing friends that I haven't seen in awhile, the bonus is that we've go so much leftover food I won't need to cook for a week (which works out because this is supposed to be a HOT week).  I also got my refurbished Canon dslr camera on Saturday!  I was so excited to see the FedEx man backing into our driveway that I ran out of the house and slammed the door on my finger.  Ouch.  I kept telling Hubster it's throbbing and the fleshy part of my finger felt hard (yup, I'm that kind of patient) and he told me to ice it, but I was too preoccupied unwrapping my new toy.  Buddy was over, so he and Latte were the lucky models for my test pictures.  I'm pretty sure they were tired of the crazy lady chasing them around with a camera.  I'm planning on taking a workshop so I can learn how to take good photos.  

Here's to hoping it's a quick work week!

{ cindie }

because it is just a dress afterall

...but it also happens to have been my wedding dress.  And I loved her.  And I still do...but for the past 10 months now she's been stored away in a bag, in a closet, in a room uninhabited.  And I'm beginning to think that maybe it's time for her to find a new home, on a new body, to be admired and photographed on another bride's big day.

hello beautiful - wedding photo by Allure West Studios

It was exactly 2 years from today that Hubster was down on one knee asking me to marry him.  Two years from today when I knew that I needed to find my beautiful, take his breath away, make him cry (which he did not but that's ok) gown to wear on my approach to becoming his wife.  And find her I did.

And now, 2 years later from knowing I needed to find her, 10 months after wearing her, I think I'm ready to let her go.  Sure, I could keep her in hopes that if I had a daughter she would want to wear her.  But that's a big if.  And, to be honest, if I were to have a daughter, I don't know that I would want to rob her from the experience of finding her own dress.  Especially when there might be someone out there now, not able to spend thousands of dollars on the dress she loves.  If I could help someone now, I'd rather do that than hold on to my dress for a big future IF. 

lovely little details

Plus, remember how I said I wanted a dslr camera?  Well I'm thinking I could use what I get for my dress and put it towards that.  But I'm still thinking.  And I'm not sure that Hubster is sold on the idea either.  There's still sentimental value attached to my dress.  It's what I wore the day we started our lives together as husband and wife.  It's the dress I wore when we promised to love each other until the day we die.  But...it's just a dress.  Hubster and I started our lives together long before the dress and we will love each other long after the dress is gone.  So why does it feel so hard to say goodbye?

Because once I put her on some website for sale there's no going back.  The realist in me says 'do it!', the romantic, sentimental side of me says 'I don't know'.  Maybe I just need to put her on one last time before I'll be ready to say goodbye.  Maybe I just need to immortalize her in pictures and thank her for making me feel so beautiful on our wedding day.  So here goes:

Dear dress,

You are amazing.  You are beautiful.  You deserve your own photoshoots.

I fell in love with you so quickly, and have stayed in love with you ever since.  I will always love you for the way you made me feel.  You made me a bride.  You were the last thing I wore as a single woman and the first thing I wore as a wife.

wedding photo courtesy of Allure West Studios

I would love to love you and hold onto you forever, but I know that's not fair.  You deserve to make some other bride feel the way you made me feel.  You deserve to be adored and to have someone else fall in love with you.  You deserve more than living in a garment bag in a closet.  You deserve to be in photos like this

courtesy of Allure West Studios

on a new body.  And I need to let you have that.  I've never before spent the amount of money I did on you before, but I never before knew so wholeheartedly that every penny was worth it.  Thank you for the memories.  I will always love you.

What do you think I should do?  Hold on to her forever, or give her the chance to make someone else feel the way she made me feel?  I don't know if I'll ever be truly 100% ready to say goodbye, but I also know that I can't allow myself to not share her with someone else either.  Oh, and thanks for indulging my craziness in writing a letter to my wedding dress!

{ cindie }